Choosing Color

When life falls apart, there are still lots of options.  You can get bitter or you can get healed.  You can shut out emotion or you can feel.  You can put things in boxes or you can let life be messy.  I’m here to say that healing, feeling, and a messy life can be amazingly good things.

Hello, my name is Susanna, and I’m a recovering legalist.

The earth-shattering move from living in black-and-white to living in color didn’t happen overnight for me.  In fact, if you want to read fragments of the story, you can sift through the archives on my old blog.  I don’t write over there anymore, because too much has changed.  But I keep it around to remind myself that change doesn’t happen instantly, unless of course you’re lightening about to split a tree wide open.

In December of 2011, I chose to live my life in color.  In fact, I chose to live my life in color without lines.  If you know me, you know how absolutely out-of-character that is, because there’s nothing I love more than a perfect list with perfect checkboxes where things can be completed and checked off without any glitches.  (Okay, there’s some mild exaggeration there, but eventually you’ll see my point… I hope.)  And I do not like messy, 20th-century art, where everything is abstract and undefined.  But there was enough longing in my soul last year for the beauty of impressionism that I decided to let go, if only to feel what it was like.

Losing control is super painful.  There’s no getting around that.  And it’s something I come *smack* in contact with every single day.  But since I started choosing color, since I started choosing to LIVE, I can’t imagine going back.  I’ve spent so much time tearing down walls that I built that I can’t fathom what building walls would do to me now.  I’ve changed.  Sometimes I can’t articulate exactly how or why or when that change came about, but it’s here and it’s real.  And I have to write about it or I might just explode again…


~ by Susanna on July 24, 2012.

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